About Brown Sheep Press

Brown Sheep Press is a small press that specializes in staple-bound books and chapbooks. Books are edited and published by Samantha Derleth.

About Samantha Derleth

Samantha has an English Degree with an Emphasis in Creative Writing from the University of Minnesota. She has worked as a substitute teacher prior to becoming a campaign consultant in DC. She currently works a menial job in a salt mine in Central New Jersey. She is also quite dyslexic and probably has a mild case of undiagnosed ADHD. So if sentences just kind of trail off

Statement Regarding “A.I.”

Brown Sheep Press does not accept or wittingly publish anything composed by “Generative A.I.” Why is A.I. in scare quotes? Because “artificial intelligence” is a misnomer as the current technology is not intelligent.

Ok That’s the End

What?! That’s all folks! No more things exist beyond this point. The About page ceases to go on after this point. No need to scroll down. Seriously, go do something productive. I bet underneath your bed needs to be vacuumed. What about your car? Surely that can be cleaned out. So scram!

Secret Hidden Essay:

-From a slightly edited version of a Twitter thread that I wrote days prior to starting HRT. There are a couple of things that I see differently, now, but it is still interesting none-the-less:

I’m going to say this, because I need to say this. I’ve been thinking about this too much lately, so I need to get it out of my brain.

I’ve known on some level that I was different from other boys, since I was around 6. I knew already that I felt differently about both myself and others than what I should.

I allowed myself to be feminine up to a line that I knew I couldn’t cross. Nobody ever told me out loud that I couldn’t do or be those things, but I knew on some level the lines existed.

By the time I was 10 or so, I started being toxic towards my femininity. I don’t remember thinking about it, I just became toxic. I hated that others saw me as skinny. I needed to gain weight and muscle to be a boy. And girls suck. Ewww.

I told people that I stopped going to dance class, because I was doing a lot of other sports, and I was stressed. But secretly and most importantly, the girls in class were starting to look at me strangely. Like I didn’t belong. Like I was a boy. I hated that.

I stopped listening to pop music. My brothers listened to hard rock and metal. So I listened to hard rock and metal.

When I was around 14, I would cry in the shower, because I had feelings towards men that I shouldn’t have. I didn’t have a crush on anyone I knew, because that was a line I couldn’t cross.

16 came around and at some point, I found out that intersex people exist, and I began examining my body periodically for any sign that might tell me that I wasn’t really a boy. That there was some kind of mistake with my body.

At about the same time I wanted to start dressing up as a girl. Because it would be funny. My friends thought it would be funny. I lost my nerve. And it would have crossed a line.

I graduated high school without dating. I didn’t go to prom. I didn’t go to parties. I didn’t experiment, because I wouldn’t allow myself. I was getting out of my hometown one way or another, and I didn’t need any distractions.

When I got into college, it was safe for me to start dating. I asked a woman out who I was friends with. It lasted for a year. I tried to be straight. I tried to be a man. It didn’t work. I wanted desperately for it to work. She wasn’t happy.

I started sleeping with men. The sex was actually good. And it was actually satisfying. But something wasn’t right. Something wasn’t right with me.

“I’m gay, and gay men just experience gender differently, right.” “I’m a little feminine, and that’s ok.” “I don’t like the term cis, because it implies I’m a man in the same way straight men are men.” “I don’t hate my masculine traits. And it’s just easier to go with the flow.”

None of these thoughts felt constant or urgent. But they came and went adding up over time.

And I lived like that for over a decade. I graduated jobless. Without a real job, I lost my self-confidence and self-worth. I stopped dating as a result.

Depressed. Anxious. Scared of crossing lines that would force me to deal with who I am. Scared of losing people, without realizing that I have isolated myself and effectively lost those people. Lying to people, because I didn’t care what they thought as long as I was safe.

But when you effortless lie to other people, you quickly will lie to yourself without realizing it.